Sporking: Clanluna: Chapter One
Jan. 3rd, 2014 06:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
afterandalasiaLink to original fic.
Hello and welcome to this horror of a fanfic. I've sporked this suethor before, a long time ago, and I'm considering making a series of their fics. So considering I've been wanting to spork this fic for about seven years, it's probably about time that I did.
Joining me is this firecracker. *points at a young man asleep in a chair beside them* His name is Jack, he's a pyrokinetic mutant from a dystopian future, and he used to be fairly goot at this sporking malarky. *kicks chair*
Jack: *starting awake* ...Bulgarian!
Nice of you to join us, Jack. He'll handle the humour, I'll try to be sensible, and let's see what we can make of this mess, shall we?
[Snip! Disclaimer and character list. I'm going to cut it because it's very long and pretty boring -- I'll just say that the characters are correct, but their ages have generally been bumped up by a few years. The notable exception to this is Ayla herself, who is still listed as 12.]
Am I drunk? I don't remember getting drunk.
No, Jack, that really is how it's written. So, I'll try to be nice (try), and start with the good side. Firstly, this is canonical. Secondly, it lets us know when it canon we are (Clan of the Cave Bear, Chapter Twenty-Four, to be exact). Thirdly... um...
Actually, that's about it. What on earth did grammar do to you that it deserves this, suethor?! I lost count of the number of errors in those sentences alone, and that is not the end of the paragraph. I'm not going to count grammar errors, because I'd probably break my brain - but I am going to count archaeological errors.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 2
One, because 30,000 BC is at least five thousand years late, probably more like ten thousand. Two, because Neanderthals have left traces. Not major ones, but they are there - genetic traces, archaeological traces, cultural knowledge. It might be hyperbole for effect, but from this author I suspect that it's just plain ignorance.
I think Sean would make some boring explanation about tenses, but whatever, if one thing will be, there's no might be about something else.
I think you're talking about modal tense but, from the blank look you're giving me, I might be wrong about that. In any case, it's the will be that is the problem here - I think what you're looking for is "would be".
Convenient!
But bollocks.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 3
Yes, I am going to hit you every time you imply that there is no trace of Neanderthals in 'our' timeline.
Those pronouns are a flat-out mess.
Cheered Creb? Commanded Creb? Alliteration always arouses agreement!
Jack's foolery aside, get used to this. This author never uses the word said.
SAID BOOKISM: 1
-AAAAAGH THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATH!
*hands Jack a rolled-up newspaper* You're a big boy now, you can deal with it yourself.
Okay, I know this is an old fic, and that ff.net ate a lot of dividers in its day. I used a combination of 'o's and dashes myself. But that in now way, shape or form excuses leaning on the keyboard. Especially since I pretty strongly suggest that the A, here? Is for Ayla.
All seven years? Even the subjects that she doesn't take any more? Also, the school year at Hogwarts ended later in June than that.
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 1
On previous years, she couldn't be arsed.
Was that the fashion eighty years ago, or am I missing something?
You're missing the fact that this writer believes this hyper-sexualised way of dressing is 'sexy'. Ignoring the fact that it is both ridiculous and out of character... Luna is not this bad with Muggle clothes! Hogwarts has a fair number of Muggle-borns and half-blood students, and Luna has regular contact with them. She will know what standard Muggle clothing is - we frequently enough see the trio in jumpers and jeans, and though there's the Goblet of Fire joke about the wizard in a nightie, there's no indication that Luna doesn't know how to dress herself. She carefully chooses what she wears, and damn anyone else's objections.
For not being quite sure where else to put it:
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 2
Y'know, I regularly do stupid shit, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do that.
And you haven't even fought a dark wizard.
I've pretended to be one from time to time.
That doesn't count.
In all seriousness, though, that is a monumentally stupid thing to do. Yes, Voldemort is dead, but there's still a pretty good chance that some of his supporters are out there. They might have been waiting to get their revenge! Or this might be some magic gone wrong even without any link to Voldemort, and sticking your hand into an unknown portal sounds like a good way to lose an arm.
IDIOT BALL CHAMPIONSHIPS: 1
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 2
We know from Prisoner of Azkaban that this is not how time travel works in the Potterverse. If Luna was going to travel to the past, she would always have travelled to the past, and this stone would already exist.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 5
One for still implying that Neanderthals had no presence in our timeline, and one for the monument. Yes, it is possible that material from that age would survive - the careers of Palaeolithicists rely on it! - but survival for 35,000 years or more is largely a matter of chance.
Caves are generally a good place for preservation - they don't get eroded away, they have stable temperatures, and they have better protection from rainfall. And there are a good number of Mousterian sites - Neanderthal sites - in the Ukraine.
However, you still have to contend with rockfalls, with earthquakes (Ukraine is very seismically active), with animals, with other H. neanderthalensis or H. sapiens taking things away again, and with any other number of factors. I'd be dubious of even magic protecting something for 35,000 years or more, let alone pure luck.
I will grant, however, that Clan of the Cave Bear does take place in the area that will become Ukraine.
This is your idea of 'nice'?
I never promised to give out cookies.
You know, if I fell through a portal, my first move would not be to start guessing the age of the people around me.
I might notice that there was one girl and a group of men who looked off in some undefinable way. I don't think I'd start planning my police descriptions.
The POV is all over the place throughout this fic, but it is more apparent than ever here. Is this third person omniscient? Or is it just bad writing? I'll let you guys be the judge of that.
Yes, those guys might be more important than the one girl. Beside which, Ayla was actually hidden from the mog-urs, out of sight - while you could possibly be in a place to see both, it doesn't match up with the canon layout of the scene.
We're also not seeing the hollowed-out Clan member skull which was knocking around this scene.
Now, of course, cliffhangers are a perfectly good literary device, and if well-described this could actually be a good one. There is a sense of tension - how will these powerful men react to the appearance of a stranger, with her impossible appearance and strange items? They would be completely justified in considering her a supernatural being of some sort. How will Luna react?
But... this isn't well done. Exclamation marks are very rarely necessary in narration, and there is really no attempt to build tension here. So the men are "staring at her in anger" - how do you know? Are they scowling? Are they tensing up and readying to move? There's no show to back up the tell.
[Snip! Author's note asking whether they should continue this or not.]
*Turns paper over* Is that it?
The fic? No. The chapter, yes. Don't try and run away, the sporking chambers can't be escaped that easily.
You make that sound like a challenge.
One fireball and I'll take a fire extinguisher to you, flame-boy.
*sighs* I'm afraid to say that things get worse moving into the next chapter. From handwaving of actual tension to sexual assault, this thing really starts to go downhill and go from, to me, generic badfic to something in serious need of a spork.
Hello and welcome to this horror of a fanfic. I've sporked this suethor before, a long time ago, and I'm considering making a series of their fics. So considering I've been wanting to spork this fic for about seven years, it's probably about time that I did.
Joining me is this firecracker. *points at a young man asleep in a chair beside them* His name is Jack, he's a pyrokinetic mutant from a dystopian future, and he used to be fairly goot at this sporking malarky. *kicks chair*
Jack: *starting awake* ...Bulgarian!
Nice of you to join us, Jack. He'll handle the humour, I'll try to be sensible, and let's see what we can make of this mess, shall we?
Chapter 1: Changing the future
[Snip! Disclaimer and character list. I'm going to cut it because it's very long and pretty boring -- I'll just say that the characters are correct, but their ages have generally been bumped up by a few years. The notable exception to this is Ayla herself, who is still listed as 12.]
30,000 B.C.E.
As Creb, the first ranked Mog-ur of all the Clans guided Ayla's mind back to the present, he suddenly found her continuing on into the future. He couldn't follow but has to watch as her mind continued onward to a time far in the future where she saw many strange things. Although he could see what she was seeing, it didn't have the same sense of being there for him that going back into the memories had. One thing was certain about this strange future world she was in, it was a world of the Others. Everywhere she went, there was no trace of the Clan.
Am I drunk? I don't remember getting drunk.
No, Jack, that really is how it's written. So, I'll try to be nice (try), and start with the good side. Firstly, this is canonical. Secondly, it lets us know when it canon we are (Clan of the Cave Bear, Chapter Twenty-Four, to be exact). Thirdly... um...
Actually, that's about it. What on earth did grammar do to you that it deserves this, suethor?! I lost count of the number of errors in those sentences alone, and that is not the end of the paragraph. I'm not going to count grammar errors, because I'd probably break my brain - but I am going to count archaeological errors.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 2
One, because 30,000 BC is at least five thousand years late, probably more like ten thousand. Two, because Neanderthals have left traces. Not major ones, but they are there - genetic traces, archaeological traces, cultural knowledge. It might be hyperbole for effect, but from this author I suspect that it's just plain ignorance.
Then Creb became aware of another world, another future, more dimly seen. While the more distinct future was the world that will be, this less clear world, was the world that might be.
I think Sean would make some boring explanation about tenses, but whatever, if one thing will be, there's no might be about something else.
I think you're talking about modal tense but, from the blank look you're giving me, I might be wrong about that. In any case, it's the will be that is the problem here - I think what you're looking for is "would be".
Creb couldn't tell much about this world except there was a slight trace of Clan to its' feel.
Convenient!
But bollocks.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 3
Yes, I am going to hit you every time you imply that there is no trace of Neanderthals in 'our' timeline.
Then the mists parted slightly to reveal a woman of the others. If Creb did no know how speak like Tarzan Ayla so well he might have mistaken her for Ayla.
Those pronouns are a flat-out mess.
Indeed, any other member of the Clan would have had difficulty telling the two women of theoOthers apart. Creb sensed that this woman was the key to the this world that might be."Ayla, take her hand!" commanded Creb.
Cheered Creb? Commanded Creb? Alliteration always arouses agreement!
Jack's foolery aside, get used to this. This author never uses the word said.
SAID BOOKISM: 1
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-AAAAAGH THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATH!
*hands Jack a rolled-up newspaper* You're a big boy now, you can deal with it yourself.
Okay, I know this is an old fic, and that ff.net ate a lot of dividers in its day. I used a combination of 'o's and dashes myself. But that in now way, shape or form excuses leaning on the keyboard. Especially since I pretty strongly suggest that the A, here? Is for Ayla.
June 1, 1998
After seven years, Luna Lovegood had finally graduated from Hogwarts. It took her seven attempts? That's worse than me! And she seems to have magically gone to America to graduate, instead of just finishing school in Britain. Her friends: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger had gone back to school and taken their 7th year with her and her friend Ginny. Since she had taken her N.E.W.T.'s this year, Luna had reviewed her books from all 7 years. They were currently in her trunk along with the rest of her school things.
All seven years? Even the subjects that she doesn't take any more? Also, the school year at Hogwarts ended later in June than that.
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 1
Since she was leaving platform 9 ¾ for the last time, she was trying to appear normal so she wouldn't alarm themMuggles.
On previous years, she couldn't be arsed.
She had her trunk, along with her owl in its' cage on a cart and was preparing to travel through the portal to the muggle portion of King's Cross Station. She had tried to dress as a normal muggle too. She was wearing a red tube top around her hips as a very small mini-skirt and another on her chest. Covering her legs were a green pair of leg warmers and on her feet were a pair of rainbow colored toe socks and some formal silver high-heeled sandals. She'd tried to wear her makeup muggle style with white paste on her face, black lipstick and Green eye shadow.
Was that the fashion eighty years ago, or am I missing something?
You're missing the fact that this writer believes this hyper-sexualised way of dressing is 'sexy'. Ignoring the fact that it is both ridiculous and out of character... Luna is not this bad with Muggle clothes! Hogwarts has a fair number of Muggle-borns and half-blood students, and Luna has regular contact with them. She will know what standard Muggle clothing is - we frequently enough see the trio in jumpers and jeans, and though there's the Goblet of Fire joke about the wizard in a nightie, there's no indication that Luna doesn't know how to dress herself. She carefully chooses what she wears, and damn anyone else's objections.
For not being quite sure where else to put it:
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 2
As she approached the portal a girls hand reached out of it. Luna clasped the girl's hand.
Hermione had just enough time the yell out: "Luna! No!" before Luna and all her possessions had be sucked into the portal.
Y'know, I regularly do stupid shit, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do that.
And you haven't even fought a dark wizard.
I've pretended to be one from time to time.
That doesn't count.
In all seriousness, though, that is a monumentally stupid thing to do. Yes, Voldemort is dead, but there's still a pretty good chance that some of his supporters are out there. They might have been waiting to get their revenge! Or this might be some magic gone wrong even without any link to Voldemort, and sticking your hand into an unknown portal sounds like a good way to lose an arm.
IDIOT BALL CHAMPIONSHIPS: 1
As soon as she vanished a temporal wave emanated from the portal and swept across the world changing the timeline in its' wake. In the new timeline, no one even suspected that the world had ever been any different. Luna's friends never saw her again. But shortly thereafter, an ancient stone monument was discovered in the Ukraine that Luna had left for her friend so they would know about the life she had led.
READ IT AGAIN, POTTERHEAD: 2
We know from Prisoner of Azkaban that this is not how time travel works in the Potterverse. If Luna was going to travel to the past, she would always have travelled to the past, and this stone would already exist.
ARCHAEOLOGY FAIL: 5
One for still implying that Neanderthals had no presence in our timeline, and one for the monument. Yes, it is possible that material from that age would survive - the careers of Palaeolithicists rely on it! - but survival for 35,000 years or more is largely a matter of chance.
Caves are generally a good place for preservation - they don't get eroded away, they have stable temperatures, and they have better protection from rainfall. And there are a good number of Mousterian sites - Neanderthal sites - in the Ukraine.
However, you still have to contend with rockfalls, with earthquakes (Ukraine is very seismically active), with animals, with other H. neanderthalensis or H. sapiens taking things away again, and with any other number of factors. I'd be dubious of even magic protecting something for 35,000 years or more, let alone pure luck.
I will grant, however, that Clan of the Cave Bear does take place in the area that will become Ukraine.
This is your idea of 'nice'?
I never promised to give out cookies.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
With a clank, Luna and her cart landed on the cold stone of the cave's floor. Next to her was girl, coming out of a trance. Luna had trouble guessing the girl's age as the strange girl had developed early as was as tall as Luna. But something about her face made Luna think that this girls was not as old as she looked. The strange girl and Blonde hair (A rock band soon to start their world tour!) that was a little lighter and more golden that her own and blue eyes.
You know, if I fell through a portal, my first move would not be to start guessing the age of the people around me.
I might notice that there was one girl and a group of men who looked off in some undefinable way. I don't think I'd start planning my police descriptions.
The POV is all over the place throughout this fic, but it is more apparent than ever here. Is this third person omniscient? Or is it just bad writing? I'll let you guys be the judge of that.
Also in the cave was a group of men wearing bearskin cloaks and headdresses. Each was seated behind an enormous bear skull. The noise of her arrive had startled them and they were all staring at her in anger!
Yes, those guys might be more important than the one girl. Beside which, Ayla was actually hidden from the mog-urs, out of sight - while you could possibly be in a place to see both, it doesn't match up with the canon layout of the scene.
We're also not seeing the hollowed-out Clan member skull which was knocking around this scene.
Now, of course, cliffhangers are a perfectly good literary device, and if well-described this could actually be a good one. There is a sense of tension - how will these powerful men react to the appearance of a stranger, with her impossible appearance and strange items? They would be completely justified in considering her a supernatural being of some sort. How will Luna react?
But... this isn't well done. Exclamation marks are very rarely necessary in narration, and there is really no attempt to build tension here. So the men are "staring at her in anger" - how do you know? Are they scowling? Are they tensing up and readying to move? There's no show to back up the tell.
[Snip! Author's note asking whether they should continue this or not.]
*Turns paper over* Is that it?
The fic? No. The chapter, yes. Don't try and run away, the sporking chambers can't be escaped that easily.
You make that sound like a challenge.
One fireball and I'll take a fire extinguisher to you, flame-boy.
*sighs* I'm afraid to say that things get worse moving into the next chapter. From handwaving of actual tension to sexual assault, this thing really starts to go downhill and go from, to me, generic badfic to something in serious need of a spork.
